Hahaha! LOL

 

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 

whats the speed limit of sex?..........68 once you hit 69 you have to turn around

 

Blondes Are The Best!!!
>
> A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
> Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
> It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
> The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
> "I've had enough of this".
> She goes downstairs.
>
> The blonde finally comes back up to bed
> And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
> What have you been doing?"
>
> The blonde says,
> "I put the dog in our backyard,
> let's see how THEY like it!
>
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Two
> Blondes With Hammers...
>
> Roz and Gloria were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
> House. Roz was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
> Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
> In.
>
> Gloria, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
> Throwing those nails away?'
> Roz explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
> Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
> Gloria got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
> Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
> movie?
>
> They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> You might have to think twice about this one.
>
> A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
> Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
> Room doctor asked her.
>
> 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
>
> 'What?' sputtered the doctor.
> 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
>
> 'No,
> Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
> Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
>
> I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
>
> 'So then?' asked the doctor.
>
> 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid
> $3,000.00
> To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
>
> 'So then?'
>
> 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
> Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
> the Trigger.
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
> Hailstorm..
> Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
> To a repair shop. Theshop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
> Decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the
> Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
>
> So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
> Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
> Harder, and still nothing happened.
>
> Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
> Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
> Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
> The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
> You need to roll up the windows first..'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>
> A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
> Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
> It to the clerk to ask what it was.
>
> The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It
> keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
>
> 'Wow, said the blonde,
> 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
> Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
>
> Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
>
> 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
> Cold,' she replied..
>
> Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
>
> The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some
> coffee.'

 

Well after reading all this post i must say this is a nice thread to share all the experience

 

A man is driving down a country road. He rounds a corner and behind a barn he sees a man getting it on with a sheep. He is shocked and incensed and turns down the driveway towards the house. He bangs on the door and a young boy comes out and asked what the problem is. The man tells him that a man is having sex with a sheep behind the barn. The boy quickly says, "No, No...it's okay, that's just my daaaaaaaad."

 

A little boy was out behind the barn playin with his self when he got off its never happend to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy daddy I was out behind the barn playing with my self when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said ah son dont worry about that thats where babies come from little boy says really and run back out behind the barn and there was a buul frog sittin on the rock boy looks and says you a ugly little bastard but its ok daddy still loves ya

 

I just read this it awesome. great jokes and i am so sorry at this point of time i am not remembering an joke. i ll surely check at post it in future.

 

What's small, green and smells like Bacon???

Kermit the Frog's hand!


Why did Hellen Keller crash her car??

Because shes a woman!!!

 

A middle aged man had recently purchased his first porsche. While banging through the gears and hitting triple digit speeds he had noticed a state trooper flipping on his lights and taking chase. He thinks to himself, this is a german hotrod I could outrun him. After about 6 miles he decides he was too old for this nonsense and pulls over. The cop walked up to the car and said, "I'll give you one chance, if you can give me an excuse that I have never heard, I might give you a break" He sits for a moment.......... "Well, my wife left me for a cop just last week and I thought you were trying to bring her back!" He let him go.